By Larry and Carol Smith. Posted August 5, 2016
As always my comments are in regular type and Carol’s are bold and in color. All photos are taken by Carol and I.
This is our fourth blog, and I find that writing is getting more difficult, not easier. It’s not that I am at a loss for words. I could write all day without stopping and make up a story without any effort at all. But Carol and I don’t want to just spin a yarn. We want to tell you the real stories of our journey into marriage.
There is a lot we want to write about. In preparation, we pray before starting and then follow the direction of our hearts, hopefully also following the direction that God is leading.
This time, after prayer, I found myself thinking about how Carol and I communicate and remembering the insight I got on one of our trips out to the woods. Before starting the story, let me try to share some of my thoughts about how people communicate today.
We live in a world today where communication is easy. There are cell phones and Facebook and email and Twitter and a million other different ways to connect with others. Almost everyone, no matter how young or old, uses one or more of these ways to stay in touch.
Today’s communication is instant and rapid, and it affects us very deeply on all levels. We put a lot of effort into communicating and expect to get a lot out of it. We put our faith into the reliability of our communications, hoping it can be trusted.
How do we know that we can really trust some of our communications? What are our expectations from communication? Are we unrealistic in our approach to and expectations from communications?
It seems like nowadays people are drawn to things that appear to be “bigger than life.” If something appears ordinary, we are not quite as interested. We seem to have a need for someone to look up to or something to look forward to.
The characters and stories that we see in movies and on TV are always “bigger than life.” Even the reality TV shows have characters and scenarios that exaggerated.
When we ourselves become the communicators, we may find ourselves trying to make our messages seem bigger than what they really are. If we pay attention, we may find ourselves telling “fish stories” where the six inch fish we caught becomes a foot long in the retelling.
Because much communication is online, and not in person, it is easy for us to convey any image that we choose. Though we don’t mean to lie, or do any harm, we end up exaggerating a little bit about ourselves and our topics. And when we comment back to someone else’s “fish story,” we are often flattering or patronizing when we really don’t feel that way from the heart.
Perhaps it’s actually nothing new. David alluded to misleading communication in Psalm 12:1-2. He seemed a little dismayed when he made the following statement: “Help, O Lord, for the godly are fast disappearing! The faithful have vanished from the earth! Neighbors lie to each other, speaking with flattering lips and deceitful hearts.” I’m not trying to imply that we are becoming ungodly, but I am pointing out that David may have been experiencing that some of the talk from people close to him was unreliable.
Carol and I have talked about this. The bible encourages us to be humble and not to be boastful, but it’s not easy at all. It almost seems natural to want to dress up what we say in order to make people like it and respond to it.We try very hard to just say things the way they are, without adding or embellishing. We are cautious about what we say to friends and to the public online.
It is disappointing when we find out that something we heard or read wasn’t what it was represented to be. Something that seems bigger than life from a distance will often be disappointing when we get close enough to it to see it more clearly. And just as often, something that appears from a distance to be simple, and perhaps even lacking, will turn out to have a lot more substance when seen close up.
Communication has always seem to come easy for me to a point. I have been blessed with the “gift of gab” for the most part it is a blessing! There are times that my mouth runs faster than my brain and I can offend someone before I even know it. That is when I have to back up and realize that the words I use should always be edifying and not to tear down.
One thing I have learned from Larry is listening is more important than talking 90% of the time. My love for him grew much stronger when I saw how he listened to me and was truly interested in what I had to say. This also made me understand that I was accountable for my words. In the process of communicating with him there became a new awareness of who I was and what God was forming me to be. Looking at myself can be ugly at times, but only then do I see what our Creator sees and how everything we say and do should reflect Him.
When we took a vacation trip last summer to Cade’s Cove, in the Smoky Mountains, we had a resort hotel in mind that we hoped to stay at. The hotel’s website boasted about the rustic location and all of the special amenities offered to make a visitor’s vacation comfortable, special and picturesque.
The hotel was expensive so we decided not to make a reservation in advance. We decided to take a look at the hotel once we got there and see if it lived up to its claims.
We arrived at the resort hotel site and were welcomed by a spectacular mountain view. But the hotel buildings were dated and looked kind of run down, and we were afraid to take a chance since the rates were high.
However, just down the street, with almost the same mountain view was a Best Western that looked much more modern. We asked about the rates, and they were more than 50% less than the other hotel. And the rooms even had a shared balcony facing the mountains. So that’s where we ended up staying. The room was great, and we had everything we needed.
To find out how the resort hotel really looked, we had to see it face to face. The pictures on the resort hotel’s website were probably accurate but were misleading. When looking at the hotel’s website pictures, the imperfections could not be seen. Had we not actually visited the location face to face, and saw everything in person, it would have been harder for us to know that the less expensive Best Western offered the same scenery.
The Best Western had all that we could ask for to be comfortable and the view was amazing! The time that we spent together was what we needed to confirm that God was still in the center of our relationship.
We couldn’t wait to get out in the woods and visit Cade’s Cove and the Great Smoky Mountains National Park. But slowing us down though was the fact that we both had summer colds, and neither of us really felt good.
On the morning of our second day, determined not to let a summer cold ruin our vacation, we hopped in the car and headed to the national park to do some hiking.
The trail was pretty. It was early May, and Spring was still evident all around. Flowers were blooming, bees were buzzing, the leaves were green, the sun streamed beautifully through the trees, and it was warm but not yet too hot.
Walking slowly, we surveyed the wondrous beauty. But being in the strong grip of our colds, and dulled by medicine, somehow the sunlight seemed a little duller and the flowers and the leaves a bit off color. Usually I enjoy everything about our walks, but on this day I felt annoyed. I couldn’t seem to break free from my bad mood and just wanted to get the walk over with and get to the hotel room.
Carol seemed slightly out of pocket too. We finished our walk but were both glad to see the end of the trail and the campground access road that led back to the car.
The trail provided a wonderful opportunity for us to enjoy the awesome beauty of the Smokies. And there was a chance for relaxation and healing and even spiritual revelation there in the splendor of God’s creation. If only the distractions of how we felt had not created a filter that filtered out the positive and left the negative.
On our trip to Cade’s Cove I was excited about getting away and exploring new places together, but I do remember vividly the nasty summer cold I had. Looking back now I believe that was God’s way of having us slow down and really take in where we stood after a year of marriage. Instead of being so determined to do a lot of things and rush around, it was kind of our first time to try and take care of one another in sickness not just in health. Larry is the perfect nurse and makes sure I have all that I need. It really hit me on this trip that he loved me with Christ love, unconditionally, whether we were out hiking our hearts out or handing each other tissues and Tylenol! He was content.
Back at the hotel, I pondered that realization. It was a good thing to be aware of. How we feel, has a lot to do with how we see (perceive) things. How we see things has a lot to do with our opinions and judgments. Our opinions influence our actions.
I realized how important it was for us to strive for accuracy in making judgments about our encounters with life and about people and the nature of relationships.
Carol and I have a great relationship. At that time we had been married for over a year, and our love had grown tremendously. But after honest self-evaluation, I could not yet honestly say that I knew her. I would be more accurate, and honest, in saying that I knew well the person I wanted her to be.
I saw that I was waiting for Carol to align herself with my expectations. I had the idea that God was working through me to lead her into some kind of transformation.
The same self-evaluation led me to realize that I could not possibly lead anyone to change for the good. My motives were not necessarily harmful, but they were far from being pure. And even if my motives were pure, what business was it of mine to try and change someone else. If a person needed changing, that was a job to be left up to God. Only He could see a person as they were meant to be (1 Samuel 16:7 – Proverbs 16:2 – Jeremiah 17:10).
And not only was there a problem with my motives, there was an even bigger issue with my emotions. As I had realized that day, when we were on the trail and feeling so bad, how I felt physically and emotionally affected my perception of people and things rendering my judgment inaccurate.
I was programmed by the world to expect everything representing completeness or success, including Carol, to conform to the world’s definition.
On the third morning, we decided to drive the Cade’s Cove Loop and see the beautful scenery. Since we were a little under the weather, that would be easier than hiking. And we could stop whenever we needed to get a closer look and take photos.
There was a lot to see as we slowly made our way on the narrow little road. Green mountains and valleys, spectacular skies and clouds, and old log buildings from bygone days took us captive and we became lost in the wonder of it all.
We stopped at a log cabin and walked closer to get a better look. Upon getting up close, I was amazed at the how the cabin was put together from rough-hewn logs and planks and different shapes and sizes of stones. Though all the pieces weren’t identical, they fit together perfectly to form a structure that was uniquely strong and beautiful and well suited for its purpose. There were little flaws and imperfections; you could tell the building had weathered some storms.
But the cabin had real character; it told a story. It was interesting and beautiful like it was. Nothing needed to be added or taken away.
I thought about Carol and I. Had we ever really looked at each other to see what we really looked like inside and out?
That day I began trying to get past the judgments and expectations and feelings that filter out the truth about Carol and our relationship. I began trying my best not to infer, add or embellish anything at all. To this day I pray asking God to allow me to see things the way they really are.
What I have discovered is that both Carol and our relationship are more beautiful the way they really are than anything I could imagine or fantasy. It has been the biggest blessing to see that every part us, even the scars and wrinkles have incredible character and beauty. Our lives, individually and together, tell a story that doesn’t have to be inflated.
Larry’s love transforms me every day in to the person that God intended me to be. There are moments that I still pinch myself and ask if it’s a dream? But, God tells us in his word to call to him and he will show us great and mighty things that we do not know (Jeremiah 33:3). My eyes are opened more each time that I call upon our Heavenly Father, for I have learned that we are imperfect but Daddy God loves us perfectly.
I know that for now I will never be able to see things completely the way they are, the way God sees them. My vision is limited, and so is my mind and imagination. So anything that I try to make “larger than life” will never be anywhere close to accurate. Life, the way it really is, the way God made it, is a million times more incredible than anything I can conceive.
So for now, I try my best to see with the eyes of Truth. I may only get glimpses, but a glimpse of something the way it really is is more meaningful and valuable than all the puffed up ideas and fantasies that will ever exist.
Perhaps God will see fit to clear away more and more of the fog as Carol and I seek Him. But even if He doesn’t, we are thankful for the glimpses and for the chance to know Him better through our effort. We love what He’s doing in our lives and look forward to that promised day when we will see Him as He really is and us as we really are (1 John 3:2).
“Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely. (1 Corinthians 13:12 NLT).”
© 2016 by Larry and Carol Smith
Foot Prints On The Trail 