A Couple’s Journey: Being Genuine

By Larry and Carol Smith. Posted July 11, 2016.

Here we are again with our second post on the blog. As always, all the photos were taken by either Carol or me. Carol’s comments will be in color with bold type and mine just regular.

Since the blog is to be based on our travels, love of hiking and how God speaks to us through our adventures, I began this one by looking through a bunch of old photos from trips we made, hoping to see something that made me remember something significant that would be a good experience to start writing from. The photos gave me several memories and some ideas. Several times I started to write something based on them. But each time I found that I didn’t really know where to go with the idea. Something kept stopping me dead in my tracks.

I prayed about it several times and then, after having another look at a bunch of random photos, it occurred that at least for me, not sure about Carol, that there were  major themes that were emphasized in my prayer and thought life about how to be a godly spouse. And the first one to really tug at me, during those first months of our marriage, was how to be totally honest in our relationship.

From the moment we met, we made it known to each other that as individuals we were trying our best to discern God’s will and plan for our lives and be obedient. At the same time, we acknowledged that following God was a process we were growing in and that we often struggled with and sometimes failed at.

Just as Larry mentioned our thoughts and prayers were filled with how and what ifs?The one thing I knew starting this journey that God was in it and He was going to lead us in to a world full of His great love and mercy that we had never experienced before. The how wasn’t quite as clear but I was positive that our Lord would be guiding us through it all. I still get chills when I look back and see His hand in every step we have taken. No matter what happens I know that he is carrying us even when we don’t understand or miss the mark. When we allow God to choose the outcome is always heaven sent.

We were introduced to each other through my cousin who was the director for Carol’s business. My cousin had suggested to each of us, several different times, that we were a good match and should meet. I’m not sure what Carol told her, but I told her I was not interested in a relationship or ready for one. Each time she tried to setup a meeting, we both declined. Finally, at my cousin’s urging, I sent Carol a private message on Facebook pretty much just saying hello and that I was doing it because my cousin wanted me to. Carol replied and in the first couple of messages we both established that we were not looking for relationships.

We continued talking by message. For the first few months, Carol refused to meet in person or even talk to me on the phone. Our Facebook messages were almost entirely about God and what He was doing in our lives. Eventually, she allowed me to text her and then call. Finally, the time was right for us to meet in person, and we did. After dating for a while we got married.

There is more to the story, but we’ll save that for the right time. What I wanted to point out, by telling a little about the beginning, is that relationship and seeking God’s will in relationship was important to both of us.

I feel the need to elaborate a little more on our courtship. Of course the woman always wants to make sure that the pure romance is appreciated in our story! We did have a whirlwind of hours sharing past, present and future with each other and it wasn’t all laughter and jokes. There were many times that we opened our hearts up to show the ugly scars that had been suffered and humbled ourselves by admitting failures that only God knew of. By showing each other the true self, I believe, is how our love for one another was able to blossom. A good friend had told me once to place all your cards on the table and God would sort them out. Well, I guess in doing this we were able to truly let Him be the 3rd cord. He has shown us how He creates beauty from ashes (Isaiah 61:3) and “provides for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.”

Once married, and living together, we could see the reality that we weren’t perfect. As individuals, we both still had mountains to cross and obstacles to conquer. The goals that we aspired to were good, but accomplishing them was easier said than done. At home, our busy schedules often kept us from confronting issues that arose.

We didn’t want our personal struggles to weaken us as a couple and have an impact on our relationship. We knew that we had to keep on being open with each other. Our trips out into the woods helped because it was just us out there without individual distractions.

The steep hills we encountered on the trails taught us lessons about the hills we have to climb in life. Often when hiking, we get tired long before the hike is over. We often find ourselves at the bottom of a steep hill with nothing but rocky terrain ahead. We are tired, and we know that there is a rough climb ahead. But we can’t stop, we have to keep going because to continue is the only way we are going to get to the end. Sometimes we have to stop and rest several times, and when we finally get to the top our limbs are aching and we are out of breath. We look down to where we came from amazed at what we accomplished.

Where did that extra strength come from that we needed to climb the seemingly impossible hill? Carol and I would both be exhausted, thinking there was no way we could make to the top. But tired as we always were, we plunged ahead with what little strength we had left, trusting a power greater than ourselves to get us the rest of the way.

The same thing applies when climbing the mountains of life. We have to face what is ahead and move forward, even when we don’t feel that we have the strength. But we know we can make it because God will be there with an abundance of strength and energy and everything else that we are lacking.

The bible is full of illustrations of how God’s strength can be depended upon when man’s is exhausted. One of my favorites is in Judges 6:14 NIV where God reassures Gideon about victory over the Midianites. “Then the LORD turned to him and said, “Go with the strength you have, and rescue Israel from the Midianites. I am sending you!”

Another good illustration is is in Zechariah 4:6-7 where God reassures Zerubbabel, the Prince of Judah. “Not by might, nor by power, but by My Spirit says the Lord of hosts. What are you, O great mountain [of obstacles]? Before Zerubbabel you will become a plain (insignificant)!”

Most of my previous serious relationships had been dysfunctional. Even when I thought I was in God’s will in a relationship, something would end up going sour. Though I sometimes tried to do so, I knew in my heart that I couldn’t blame the other person. I could only blame myself if something went wrong. And I really believe that when something goes wrong, it is usually because there is some part of the situation that is not in line with God’s will.

Now that we were married, I was scared to death that I would mess up again. We had experienced a wonderful courtship and beautiful marriage. Our early days together were like an exciting, awesome dream full of life, love and fun times together. We had a great honeymoon trip. But now we were back at home and standing at one end of a bridge that we were to cross together. Regardless of any feeling or circumstance that might arise, it was a one way trip that we could never turn back from that would change us forever.

Carol and I both very much wanted to put God first in our relationship and lives. When we were dating, we talked for hours about what this might mean and about the importance of being completely truthful and up front with each other about everything.

I have always been of the opinion that when Jesus said He was the Way, the Truth and the Life, He meant it in a literal sense. And it didn’t only mean higher truth, it was all truth. Even on a human level, when people were honestly truthful with one another, it was an expression of Christ and God’s will. So here at the beginning of our marriage, I was sure that I needed to be completely truthful on three levels: truthfulness to God, to others and to myself.

And at that time, to be completely truthful, I found myself examining my personal motives. I began searching for the real reason that I now found myself to be married when I had vowed never to do so again.

Did I do it out of the need for companionship and loneliness? Was it for physical contact? Did I do it because most of my good friends and co-workers were married? Or did I do it because I loved Carol? And if it was love, was it real, self-sacrificing, love or the selfish kind? What did it really mean to be a godly husband? How could I love Carol like Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5:25)?”

Being genuine was a good place to start. Genuineness is more than just truthfulness. To be genuine is for someone to be who they profess to be and who they really are in the moment.

Jesus was very genuine. There was no deceit in Him. His life was transparent, and He always told the truth. He said that He came to represent the Father, and His  efforts in life reflect that. He taught that men should be compassionate, kind, loving and forgiving, and He demonstrated those qualities through His actions. He was consistent in actions and lifestyle throughout His life on earth.

I knew that being genuine was a process that would never end. It involved me being honest on a level that I’d probably never accomplished before. I’d had a lot of practice trying to be honest to God and learned quickly that there were a lot of layers (aspects) of myself to be truthful in. God showed me that I had ulterior motives for many things I did. Over the years, I had lied so much to myself that I believed many of my own lies. I had created an outward image of myself that I was comfortable with, but it did not match who i really was deep down inside. The motives for many of my actions weren’t pure.

If I wasn’t even honest  to myself about myself then how could I be honest to God and to Carol.

We agreed that half-truths and omissions are pretty much the same as lies. So it was not only a matter of telling the truth, there was a need to tell the whole truth and leave nothing out. In previous relationships, I tried my best not to lie, but I often didn’t tell the whole story when I should or remained silent if I felt that to tell about something would cause a problem. Obviously then I didn’t have a clear conscience and, over time, it became easier and easier to be untruthful.

The bible emphasizes honesty at all levels. It is a a sign that we have been transformed through the saving power of Christ. “Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices (Colossians 3:9 ESV).

Also, it is a process through which we aspire to do what is right in the eyes of God and man: “For we aim at what is honorable not only in the Lord’s sight but also in the sight of man (2nd Corinthians 8:21 ESV).”

It was a goal in our marriage to be up front with each other. It was a challenge. It’s not so much that either of us would ever outright lie or deceive. It was deeper than that.

For example, I have a tendency to internalize my feelings and not express them. I sometimes hold in my emotions to avoid conflict. And after a while it builds up. It’s this kind of thing I’m talking about. Though it is not deliberate, it is deceiving and causes mixed signals between the persons involved. And once it builds up, it can cause real problems.

Carol and I continued to tramp around in the woods and fields. It was a good place for us to be where we could discover what was in our hearts. It was a good place to start making memories of just the two of us. It strengthened us as a couple and helped us to confirm God’s presence in our relationship and our commitment to Him.

During our hikes we could see that nature never tried to pretend. It was honest and open, and that was part of what made it beautiful. Out in the woods we saw that nothing came out of a cookie cutter. Everything, even in the same species, was unique and different in some way. In looks, nothing was perfect. The bright and fresh flower with perfectly formed petals stood beside the faded and flawed one and both were beautiful and served their purpose. Imperfect, and yet so very perfect, the nature we saw around us was obviously by design.

I guess you might say each time we walk on to a trail God shows us how He has planted us for the display of His splendor. We have no clue where our next steps will take us, however we do know that we both hold on to Jesus and each other no matter what. In being genuine, this means we have to show our scars to the world and my brokenness is not what I like to shine, but His Word reminds me that through my weakness others will see His strength (2 Corinthians 12:10). 

I began to realize that as individuals, and as a couple, we too had the stamp of God’s design on us. We, along with everything that existed, were His workmanship. It was a grand expression, the poetry of God the Master Craftsman, and it was for a reason that we needed to discover and explore.Ephesians 2:10 (VOICE translation) said it in a cool way: “For we are the product of His hand, heaven’s poetry etched on lives, created in the Anointed, Jesus, to accomplish the good works God arranged long ago.” And so to not be genuine, would be to deny fulfillment of a purpose that God ordained.

That was our destination then, to be who we are in Christ. Genuineness and truth were coordinates on the map leading us there. The distractions of life and our own insecurities would take us to turns and forks in the road. We would sometimes be stopped dead in our tracks, and we would wonder where we were and which way should we turn. But all we would ever have to do is turn to God and ask. His word, His voice and our prayers would lead us in the right direction.

As we walked together in the stillness of the deep woods, we were at peace because He was there.

My prayer today is that God shows you just how beautiful your broken spirit is to Him. Because the only way to begin to restore what He has meant for good is to surrender all into his nail scarred hands. Just as He fixed it all on the cross, He will mend the heart that has been beaten by a dying world. God Bless and peace be with You.

Jeremiah 6:16 (NIV) This is what the Lord says: “Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls…”

© 2016 by Larry and Carol Smith