Being Touched

By Larry Smith for Carol

Posted March 5, 2020

It was very late, and in the dark stillness of our hotel room the only sound I could hear was Carol breathing softly as she slept next to me.

Tomorrow was an important day, and I needed rest, but sleep just wasn’t coming. Much blacker than the night was the darkness that invaded my soul.

Earlier in the evening, Carol and I had a falling out. It wasn’t an argument at all. It was just careless words spoken by me at the wrong time in the wrong way.

As soon as I said them I saw that they had deeply pierced Carol in one of the places where she was most vulnerable. I heard her cry out and then, throwing the knife of my words back at me, she moved away, establishing a safe distance from any further attack.

And now, I too was wounded by the same words that came from my own mouth that I thought were just words but in fact were dangerous weapons.

We had just gone to bed when it happened, and instead of coming close together to fall asleep, like we usually did, the impact of my actions propelled us away from each other and onto our own side.

I immediately felt remorse and cautiously moved my arm in Carol’s direction until it touched her. But she did not acknowledge or respond and my gesture provided no relief for either one of us.

Leaving my arm touching, I continued to lay there quietly in the darkness.

There was a battle stirring within me, and I knew that I was my own worst enemy. What little good was in me had been invaded by pride and selfishness and cold inconsideration. The fighting was with myself, but Carol, by being close, had become an innocent victim.

It was impossible to go to sleep, so I let my mind travel back in time, hoping it would cause me to drift off.

We had driven a long way to get to the little hideaway in the mountains where the conference was being held. Carol and I both worked at the event, she as the event manager and I doing sound and video.

It was a 300 mile ride, and upon arriving we immediately went to work unloading and setting up all of the equipment and decorations.  It took several hours and, on the first night, we didn’t get back up to our hotel room and bed until after midnight.

For the next day and a half, we both worked hard, starting out in early morning and continuing late into the night.

The conference was related to Carol’s work, and she was enthusiastic about all of the activities and events. I enjoyed it too but there was hardly any time for personal interaction between us. I’m not sure why, but I felt myself becoming more and more moody and isolated.

On the last day of the conference, Carol and I caught a break in the afternoon. There was a hiking trail near the hotel, and we both jumped at the chance to get outside for a while.

The trail quickly spilled into a shady wooded area and ran alongside a little creek. In the late afternoon sun, isolated rays of sunlight broke through the shadows of the trees, and the emerald green water of the creek sparkled with refracted light.

Carol and I walked down the trail, hand in hand, amazed at how beautiful it was. It was a much needed break from our routine, something soothing to our souls.

“It’s so pretty out here,” Carol exclaimed, snuggling up against me as we walked.

I squeezed her hand more tightly and said: “It sure is.” But I didn’t really feel it. I felt oddly distant, as if the place was just a picturesque scene from a movie and not real.

As beautiful and soothing as the trees and bubbling stream were in the shimmering sunlight, I couldn’t fully connect with them. Though the walk should have been relaxing, I felt mentally and emotionally empty.

We finished our walk and went back in the hotel room.  I pulled out my bible and laptop and tried to work on the devotional that I was to deliver at a brief worship service the next morning.  This was something we did every year, before everyone left to go home, and we always looked forward to it.

But on this day, even the bible, which usually touches and inspires me, seemed distant. I had an idea about what I wanted to say the next morning, but I was unable to put it together because I somehow felt that what I was saying wasn’t genuine.

I had closed myself off spiritually, emotionally, and even physically, from Carol and everyone else for no good reason. And in doing so, I had also closed myself off from my own convictions and from allowing God to touch me through His Spirit.

Closing my bible, I gave up on the devotional, thinking that I would get up early the next day and finish it just before the service.

Not too long after, Carol and I went to bed. She was excited about the conference, and as we lay in bed she talked to me about her plans and dreams. But for some unknown reason, because of some character flaw within myself, I felt threatened and that’s when it happened. I lashed out in defense when I wasn’t even being attacked.

There was no reason for it. It was silly for me to act that way. And now, though Carol was laying silently beside me in the darkness, I was truly alone for the first time in a long time.

More than anything in the world I needed to be touched by Carol and by God.

Being touched is so important on so many levels. Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually we all need to be touched if we are going to be okay.

My eyes were open, and through the window of the dark room, I could see the neon sign flashing from the restaurant across the street. I watched for a while, hoping that the pulsing rhythm would lull me to sleep. But it didn’t happen, and I was still wide awake.

There was only me to blame, and we all have to face the consequences for our actions. All I knew to do now was to pray, asking God to help me face the situation and make it right.

That’s when the answer came. Sometimes when we need to be touched, we have to reach out first. And we have to reach out on all those same levels: spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically, starting with reaching out to God and then reaching out to the heart of the person you have wronged. I realized in that moment that healing depends very much on being truthful, accountable and repentant.

It was only three o’clock in the morning, but I sat up in bed and turned on my laptop. Abandoning my old notes for the devotional I started working on something completely different. I felt Carol move next to me. “What are you doing she said,” obviously awake.

I wasn’t sure why I started over. I guess was looking for a new start with us, and that was my symbolic way to begin. Somehow, in my heart, I was searching for a way to reach out to her and say that I was sorry.

Through prayer, I had reached out to try and touch the Lord of the Universe, and He had responded, reaching out and touching me with His love and healing hand.

Now, just as a loving God had reached out to me, I would reach out to Carol, hoping she would feel the touch of my heart. And I hoped that she would touch me back with hers.

Closing the laptop, I lay back down in the bed. It took a while but I gathered up all my courage, swallowed my pride and made a feeble attempt to apologize.

I know she still felt deeply hurt, but she reached out for me and I fell into her arms with a sense of relief that was stronger than I’ve ever felt before. It wasn’t very long before we both fell asleep. The battle was over, and the healing had begun.

The Lord had shown me again that it wasn’t all about me. Life is all about living for Him and for others through Him.

Pride is the ugliest form of selfishness. And selfishness is the most evil thing in the entire universe.

Since that night I often pray that I will be able to see my faults and not allow my actions to cause someone to be hurt. And when I do hurt someone, I pray that God will forgive me, and that person will forgive me, and give me another chance.  I pray that I can learn to love and give without expecting anything in return. I pray that in spite of my many weaknesses, the love of God will triumph.

With all of my heart I know that He will.

With all of my heart I believe that He always does.

© 2020 by Larry and Carol Smith

Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment (Proverbs 18:1 ESV).

Words kill, words give life; they’re either poison or fruit—you choose (Proverbs 18:21 MSG).

When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom (Proverbs 11:2 NIV).

None of you should think only of his own affairs, but should learn to see things from other people’s point of view (Philippians 2:4 PH).

Moved with compassion, Jesus touched their eyes; and immediately they regained their sight and followed Him (Matthew 20:34 NASB).